City of angels (NOT!)

Hey ya...it's been awhile since i write here...yeah am a major slacker, i wish one of these days there will be a gadget where i could just dictate and the computer will type itself, hope Steve Jobs will hear me out on this one.
Anyway, i was browsing to some of the blogs that i follow...and again Baglady (http://baghabit.blogspot.com/) scored big on her blog about being European...i live in Europe for a couple of years, married to European, but for the past 3 months i was back to the place where i was born, which is in Asia, Jakarta, Indonesia to be precised...me and my husband have to be here for at least until March 2011, but i am crossing all my fingers that we will be back to Europe way before March. Reading Baglady's blog about being a European, makes me miss me Europe even more. I love being Asian, dont get me wrong on that, but if i have to live the rest of my live over here i might end up slitting my own wrist *oh yes...let me be over dramatic on this!*. Living here in Asia, especially in Jakarta is really a struggle, i admire all of these Jakartans who have to be stuck in traffic at least 4-5 hours a day, every single day. If there are floods, they could even stuck in traffic for 6-8 hours. I admire the Jakartans for surviving in the city where a fresh clean air was a rare to non existent to find.

I feel like a dead man walking lately, yes, living in Jakarta could somehow suck the life out of me. I miss my walks, bike ridings, clean air, decent library, sitting in the park...I miss all those little things that i could not do over here in Jakarta. Well, i thank God that my husband is here, at least am not alone to face this suffer...
I don't even understand i could survive living in Jakarta before i moved to Europe...maybe it was less chaotic back then?, maybe Jakarta is getting worse each day?, or maybe i just don't want to go back to chaos after i taste a little bit of peace and order?..or maybe all of that are the reasons.
You can call me a wuss or whatever, but i am so counting my days to get back home to Belgium...
The only thing that i will miss from this chaotic overcrowded city is only one thing, and one thing only...which is the FOOD.
And for that i'd probably will write something about the delicious variety of Indonesian food, one of this days soon...

Better Days

This is the song that i've been rambling about on the previous blog :



and this is the lyrics, beautiful...:,) :

I feel part of the universe open up to meet me
My emotion so submerged, broken down to kneel in
Once listening, the voices they came
Had to somehow greet myself, read myself
Heard vibrations within my cells, in my cells
Singing, "Ah-la-ah-ah, ah-la-ah-ah"

My love is safe for the universe
See me now, I'm bursting
On one planet, so many turns
Different worlds
Singing, "Ah-la-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah, ah"

Fill my heart with discipline
Put there for the teaching
In my head see clouds of stairs
Help me as I'm reaching
The future's paved with better days

Not running from something
I'm running towards the day
Wide awake

A whisper once quiet
Now rising to a scream
Right in me

I'm falling, free falling
Words calling me
Up off my knees

I'm soaring and, darling,
You'll be the one that I can need
Still be free

Our future's paved with better days

Javier Bardem, Eddie Vedder, Eat, Pray, Love

There are 3 things that still linger in my mind after i watched the movie "Eat, Pray, Love"...first is this man appearance in the movie :

This will be sounding like a teenage girl who gone ga-ga (not that lady...i meant other slightly more normal ones) over a movie star, but there is something about Javier Bardem. He is not exactly an ordinary handsome-chisel looking greek God of Hollywood, he is something else and more. His acting talent is superb, no doubt on that. But something in him that makes me (or maybe also to some weird girls out there like Penelope Cruz for example...) feel drawn to him. His sexiness is oozing out of him, he could be fully clothed from neck to toe but still he is mighty sexy without showing any flesh. The way he talks, moves and gestures are just plain sexy for me. 
Okay should get a grip before i rambling about Javier on and on...and move on to the second thing that linger, which is this man voice as the back sound and soundtrack from the movie :

I am a fan of Mr. Eddie Vedder since i was in high school (alas...this shall reveal my age), back then i even owned a brown corduroy jacket like the one he wore in Jeremy's video. And now, after watching 'Eat, Pray, Love' i fell in love with his voice all over again. This is special to me, because lately i was so sick and bored with the usual music on radio, tv or mtv (oh yes they do still play videos sometime in between those trashy-but addictive- reality shows), when am home i only want to listen to classic music...but  after watching Eat, Pray, Love and listen to Eddie Vedder's numbers from the movie soundtrack i think i could bear non-classical music again now. I particularly love "Better Days", his voice, the sounds from tabla, mandolin, accordion blend perfectly, made me want to cry when i first listen to the complete song. What a beautiful song. What a beautiful music. What a beautiful voice. Thanks to this, again i found my passion and reason why am i working in the industry, for this kind of rare talent and composition, am willing to work in music industry for a couple years more...maybe. Thanks Eddie!.

And the 3rd things that still linger on is the movie itself...(at last)

well...it is not a spectacular oscar material kind of movie, but it is not bad either. In spite of my husband's annoyance of how Liz Gilbert left her first marriage, in spite of her soul searching from one country to another, and from one yummy man to another, i have to respect her for her efforts to find herself and her own happiness. The moral of the story to me, is : everybody deserve to be happy, and you might break some hearts along the way but in the end everything turn out to be good for everyone. At least she is not cheating on anyone, she broke those men heart openly, honestly and plus she apologized. Not trying to justify her here, but i do respect her choices (not necessary was/will be my choice personally) because everyone entitle to pursue their happiness with their own way.
Beside, i thank God that i've done my 'soul searching' way before i marry my husband. My 'soul searching' probably not as dramatic as Liz Gilbert's, but am proud that it were no less than flying to different continents, meeting up men along the way (in my case very wrong men and way less attractive than James Franco nor Billy Crudup...though finally now married my own private Belgian version of Javier Bardem...well at least he is to me ;) ), it also involve eating & tasting food & drinks, watching & listening to music....lots of it! So, yeah Liz, i think i can say that, in my own way i know what 'soul searching' is all about. And i believe, Liz Gilbert nor me not the only one.
Enough for being a wise-ass here, i read the book a few years back, i remember that it didn't move me that much, it was an okay book, it was about someone's journey, but that was it it. As for the movie i feel a bit more move this time, maybe it's the visualization, maybe it's the good actors in it, maybe it's the beautiful music and sceneries...i don't know, this is not happening often. I almost always love the book more than the movie interpretation of it, but i could say that 'Eat, Pray, Love' is a different case...i can not tell exactly why...oh well, to cut the rambling short maybe it's all because of Javier Bardem *swoon*, his part should be longer in that movie. Damn.

10 things about a fairy...?

Me again...well of course it is my blog, whom else going to be here d'oh. And still clueless of what exactly am i suppose to write here. Shall i treat my blog like a diary?. But it is sound so lame isn't it? The cool people never call it a Diary...they call it a Journal, but never think myself as a cool person anyway, so maybe i will make this blog as my diary. Uhm well...we'll see...now again am hesitating, not really ready to bare my soul in public, heck it is even hard to bare my soul to my close one, uhm maybe i dont have anything to bare?. Maybe now i am soul-less?. Meh. Whatever, this starting to sound like a suicidal note already. Okay let's change the subject...where were we?, ah yes...what am i suppose to write...i saw this thing on a lady called Bag Lady *nice name by the way...* (http://baghabit.blogspot.com/) which inspired me to write 10 things about myself, which probably nobody will care, but sod it, i have the feel to write something...anything...so here we go, let's see can i pull this one off, it shouldn't be that hard to tell 10 things about me, should it?. Ah well stop ranting F and get on with it, shall we...

1. My height is around 170cm. I am a lady, so i don't talk about my wieight *or i don't have the nerve to face the fact...my standard of weight watcher is how people perceive me, when they said "oh you look healthier" = i am fatter. "oh you look so much better/thinner/radiant" = voila! obviously i am thinner*. But regarding this weight thing, i have my very own weight watcher at home now, my husband is pretty blunt and strict considering my weight. The negative side, sometime it depress me when i am craving for snacks, and he is a Hitler when it comes to this. The positive side, i look sexier and fit in many cute clothes. But alas, i still love my crisps!*. Oval face. Misleading ethnicity kind-of face (this means, for european i look exoticly asian. For asian i look a bit european). Let's not talk about hair color, i was once red, blue, blonde, purple, you name it...but now am settling with regular brown, maybe because i am saner, or duller, or just plainly getting old.

2. I am a truly Aquarian through and through. Well, a tamed one i might say. 10 years ago, i was truly that rebellious, freedom loving, no strings attach kind of Aquarian...now i still love my freedom, but the rest i am compromising and adapting, which is also one of Aquarian traits. And with this, obviously that some friends of mine called me as a Horoscope freak *among many different kind of freaks that they also call me...but we will get on to that later, maybe*

3. I am a hermit who hates to feel lonely *what kind of a person that like to be lonely anyway?!...i might be a freak, but not that freaky*.

4. I have dysfunctional parents. Father, separated with my mother even before I was born. All his friends and family always said to me that he loves me so much and so proud of me because he always talk about me when am not around. But in reality, his existence is close to none. Trying to reach out for him many *too many* times, but always avoidance and rejection that i've got. So i stop trying, and let him be. As for mother, well well...this could be an interesting soap-like kind of novel. Let's start with she is a passive agressive, self centered, manipulative kind of woman. So yeah, for all the flaws that i have, i could easily point finger to those two people that called my parents. But alas, i can't bring myself to do that, i was raised with asian values, where you should respect and worship your parents no matter what...so up until now, it is a constant struggle for me to steeled my nerves and feelings whenever one of or both my parent acting up. Still trying to shield myself for them, am getting there...not fast enough...but am on my way, i hope...so help me God, amen.

5. I am not religious, but spiritual. I believe in God. I believe that God is one. I see religions are just some ways to worshipped God. People choose religion based on where they grew up, how they grew up, what kind of things that enlightened them, etc. And oh yes, i despise fundamentalist, any religion fundamentalist. And if any of you fundamentalist read this...Bite me!.

6. I talk to dogs or myself. But this happened more before i married. Now, i am trying to express how i feel to my husband, but still failed many times. Oh well, up until now, only me could really understand what i am going through and only me could really feel my pain. The reason why am i talking to dogs, is because they always seem to listen, never judge, and they will love you no matter what. As for my husband, i love him to bits...but he comes from a normal family, with normal parents, most of what i experienced and experiencing are totally out of his world. It will took some times for him to understand me, and for me to believe that he will understand me, will really feel my pain, will never judge me, and will love me no matter what...
We are just married for 3 months, still a long way to go...and again for this so help me (us) God.

7. I'd crack a joke or more & I'd laugh at a lot of things, especially when am hurt and sad. But I do have a very substantial lack of strength to people whom could make me smile by their wit.

8. I read a lot. I watch tv a lot. I watch movies a lot, those are my sweet escapes from daily real life.

 9. I am succesfully brainwashed myself about my age. I am 25 years old, for the last 9 years...and i think it will stay that way forever. If only my body and ovary are as easy to be deluded...Yes i really want to have my own kid, but alas about 7 years ago they took one of my ovaries because of the cysts that invested on it. Now me and my husband still trying to have a kid through conventional way, but if next year nothing change then medical way it is. Oh the joy of being not so 25 years old anymore...

10. I like travelling, but i am not too adventurous when it comes to clean hotel room and toilet. I like food, but i am not too fond of meaty stuff or any living creatures beyond chicken, cow and pig. I like nice clothes, nice shoes, nice bags...but i don't like to spend too much on those things, so yes i am a proud user of fake things!, but believe you me, when i wear those fakes nobody will believe those are fakes *but now maybe they do, if they read this blog...hm what am i dong here?! oh well sod it*.  I like music, i make my living out of it, but since i've been working on/with it almost half of my life, i don't find that much of joy out of it like i used to, this is kind of sad actually...but oh well...as long as there are classical music for me to turn into, i think i'll do fine.

so there...10 things about me that i manage to write...and to be honest, i feel better after i wrote all of the above. I think i'll be alright for the rest of the days. Now, i must leave...because i do have a life still beside blogging *thank God*!. So until then...or until i browse other people blog and get inspired *or copycat?* to write some more.

Meh.

I don't really know how to become a good blogger. Salute to all those people who can maintain their blog regularly...I salute those people who know and good in writing, either it's a blog, a story, or even as menial as diary.
As for me, i don't know, people said that i must be good in writing, with all the books that i've read, with my passion towards reading, with all that i have been through my whole life...
Yes, maybe they are right, i supposed to be a good writer...supposed to...
But alas, it is not as easy as people think i could. So many things to tell, so many things in my head, but  to be honest i don't know how to write it all without thinking am i whining too much? am i complaining too much? and in the end i don't think all of that are worth to mention...so all in all i am back to nothing. Nothing is worth to tell, nothing is worth to mention, no one will understand anyway...
Hm see...it sound whiny to me already...better stop now, or i will disgust myself...
Hopefully i will be back here again soon, when i know what to write, when i feel like there is something to write about...

Now self remorse completely turn on....

weak

when everything you do seem always wrong. when nobody understand how you really feel or how painful it is to be you. those supposed to be things that you feel when you are a teen ager...but alas the youth has left the building but all the problems and confusion are remain...
and death seem will be the ultimate happy ending...may be...maybe not...

Pop the Cherry...

In the world where people only typed not more than 140 characters on twitter...When blogging considered to be 'so last year'...here I am, fighting the mainstream and doing my first blog at last. I don't know the exact reason why i decided to blog, it just feels right to do it now. The reasons probably just like when you decided to lose your virginity, where you feel that this is the right moment, the right guy/girl/both sexes?, the right place, et cetera..et cetera...but who am i kidding, the fact is half of the people are clueless when they asked about the reason why they lose their virginity, mostly the reason will be hormonal, as simple as : we lose our virginity, because we are horny, and it's about time to release all the lust (and love...if you still insist on playing the romantic card).
Well, maybe that is why i am here now, writing this blog, blabbering, and bored some people to death by reading this...I am here out of hormonal drives, I am horny to release everything inside my head, my life, here, there, everywhere and all that in between.

So here i am, popping my cherry...